As if being a woman weren’t hard enough, we have to cope with our monthly curse of shame. (Thanks for nothing, Eve!) And, assuming you don’t want him to leave you out of disgust, you’re probably always looking for ways to hide it from the man in your life.
What to do when you need a tampon but you don’t want to use that word and gross him out? Fear not! Here’s a list of code names for tampons you can use so your man can feel more comfortable pretending periods don’t exist:
“Nuclear warhead” This code name seems fitting because of the shape of the applicator, but also badass because it’s not associated with womanhood in any way. (Disclaimer: Maybe don’t use this one in airports.)
“Shocker” A fitting code name for a tampon needed in a hurry, as well as the one that you may have gotten really drunk and forgotten about.
“Private Ryan” Because your period lasts an average of five days, just like the movie ‘Saving Private Ryan’ seems to drag on for. Also, who’s more of a tampon than Matt Damon?
“Mary” Skip the “bloody” reference (because yuck!) but don’t skip soaking it in vodka prior to insertion.
“Lil Socialist” An ode to the red flag, a symbol representative of the blood of the workers who died in the struggle against capitalism. (Can be used interchangeably with “Lil Communist” if your vagina hates America.)
“Lady Macbeth” Blood. Hands. “Out, damned spot!” I feel like this one’s pretty self-explanatory.
“Danny DeVito” Because tampons are small, kind of gross, and something you’d otherwise rather not have inside of you.
There you have it! Granted, you’ll still have to hide them in your sleeve when you take them to the bathroom, because the only thing more gag-inducing than the word “tampon” is the sight of one. And always remember to bury used ones as far down in the garbage as possible, because everyone knows the sight of a tampon with actual blood on it will make him vomit while his head spins around, like in that scene from ‘The Exorcist’.